I've had it for a while now. I didnt quite like it.
For most of the times this makes me tough, fierce, and strong. It's not bad to have this sometimes. The ability to express out anger. The ability to be angry. The ability to spill things out.
I'm always that woman who is easy to tell when she's mad. I'm always that woman who is outspoken. I'm always that woman who is blunt. I'm always that woman who dares. I'm always that fiery woman. I'm always that woman who is straight forward. I'm always that woman that never cries. I'm always that woman who is never afraid of bruises. And I like it. I like myself like this. I like this demon I have inside me.
But how did it start? I dont know, honestly. I just develop it by time. Maybe because I'm the first born with two younger siblings. Maybe because I was always taught to be strong. Maybe because I was always taught to not ever be weak.
In all honesty, I really dont know.
What I always know is that being expressive and an extrovert would mostly be followed by this sort of issue. It wasnt even an issue back then. I always had the symptoms ever since I was little, but I would never recall it as an issue.
And, after a while of discovering that this was a bad trait to have, I attempted to work on it. I attempted to get rid of it. I felt so good to unleash the demon at times but the aftermath was almost always regrettable. I felt so good destroying things, speeding up my car, yelling, running so fast, tearing things down, they felt so good. And they are how you are supposed to release your tense and anger, those are the way you do it. But I guess I had a bad management at that that some of the time I didnt really think it through to release it...
I hit people, I yelled at people, I drove fast past people, I destroyed things... Some of the time I felt definitely winning doing those because thats just how you normally release it, but some other times.... I regret doing those.
I accidentally pushed people away. I hurt people. And the heart wrenching pain would be that they're the people that I love. Who, ironically, love me. I hurt people who love me.
And after those I'd be swallowed up, gulped in, drowned in my own guilt. And all it took was just a 10 to 15 minutes space between the accident.
Today I think I've pushed away the person I love so much. Or, more like, two people. Added one just now. I'm so sad. I work on it every day, I try. I did. But still I need help.
For most of the times this makes me tough, fierce, and strong. It's not bad to have this sometimes. The ability to express out anger. The ability to be angry. The ability to spill things out.
I'm always that woman who is easy to tell when she's mad. I'm always that woman who is outspoken. I'm always that woman who is blunt. I'm always that woman who dares. I'm always that fiery woman. I'm always that woman who is straight forward. I'm always that woman that never cries. I'm always that woman who is never afraid of bruises. And I like it. I like myself like this. I like this demon I have inside me.
But how did it start? I dont know, honestly. I just develop it by time. Maybe because I'm the first born with two younger siblings. Maybe because I was always taught to be strong. Maybe because I was always taught to not ever be weak.
In all honesty, I really dont know.
What I always know is that being expressive and an extrovert would mostly be followed by this sort of issue. It wasnt even an issue back then. I always had the symptoms ever since I was little, but I would never recall it as an issue.
And, after a while of discovering that this was a bad trait to have, I attempted to work on it. I attempted to get rid of it. I felt so good to unleash the demon at times but the aftermath was almost always regrettable. I felt so good destroying things, speeding up my car, yelling, running so fast, tearing things down, they felt so good. And they are how you are supposed to release your tense and anger, those are the way you do it. But I guess I had a bad management at that that some of the time I didnt really think it through to release it...
I hit people, I yelled at people, I drove fast past people, I destroyed things... Some of the time I felt definitely winning doing those because thats just how you normally release it, but some other times.... I regret doing those.
I accidentally pushed people away. I hurt people. And the heart wrenching pain would be that they're the people that I love. Who, ironically, love me. I hurt people who love me.
And after those I'd be swallowed up, gulped in, drowned in my own guilt. And all it took was just a 10 to 15 minutes space between the accident.
Today I think I've pushed away the person I love so much. Or, more like, two people. Added one just now. I'm so sad. I work on it every day, I try. I did. But still I need help.
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