Late post about uni I made months ago

WEDNESDAY
SEPTEMBER 30, 2015

Life is indeed funny. At this moment some of my bestfriends are on the jitter of wedding and marriage and me?
I'm on the edge of getting my thesis done to finish uni.

Let me tell you something, the struggle was real.
I havent gotten the change to sleep last night or even if I did get any sleep this week, it was
the kind of sleep that doesnt allow you to fully rest. Restless sleep. For the entire week.
My deadline was coming real near to hand in or collect all my files and documents.
Everyday was so dreading. Library till late, restless sleeps, skipped meals, even stress
and coming in contact to illness and crankiness.

Up until the point I'm writing this, I'm sufferring from my old illness.
Prolonged bleeding due to stress and exhaustion. It had been two weeks. It pained me,
and it sure did make me look 5 times paler, but I couldnt afford losing my time over going to my doctor.
I would, but not now. I'd just ruin my body, let it go through hell and back till it's done.

I just had to squeeze to my last drop.

Uni certainly had givem me a very precious and beautiful chance to a lifetime experience and a
bunch of people I'd keep for life.

It's amazing looking back now from my standpoint.
It's also amazing feeling all the experience during the time of thesis making. You can feel everyone is
trying to survive, you can feel everyone's struggles, sometimes you can even see somebody falls but they get back uo.
The amount of supports given by each other to give others a helping hand.
The amount of love.

Men and Kids.

Saw a grandpa walking his little grandson to school this morning when I was driving back home from dropping my siblings to school. That old man must have really loved the little boy.They walked hand in hand, grandpa on the side of the road, the kid had a tiny backpack on his back. It was really early in the morning and from the look of the kid's uniform, his school is still about 5 (or 10 for a grandpa/little kid) minutes by feet. The sidewalk was uneven and rocky but they looked relaxed although fast-pacing.

The other day when I was waiting for someone in a restaurant's parking lot, I saw this father dropping his tiny little son to his school bus that was parked near my car. The father made sure his kid had gotten everything in his backpack, not to mention the cute lunchbox. He hugged his little boy and walked him in while holding his tiny hand. I was not even aware of a smile that arose in my face while witnessing that.

I love this. I love seeing things like this, and this will never fail to make me tear up. For some unknown reasons this sort of occasions are so heart-touching.

You see men are the beast of ego most of the times, you see a lot of the are bad, so bad that it disgusts me. That's how they're mostly seen (or made to be seen) in a lot of medias. But seeing things like these, they show me how they can let their guards down and they can actually love another human beings.

I forgot to write about this.
a couple days ago, my mum's friends came over to my house bringing her kids a long. Two little boys. They looked nice, not the kind of kids who scream and yell their soul out. Then they walked in to the house and came across my turtle (it just liked to roam around the house sometimes). The older boy was brave and was friendly to animals I supposed. He giggly pointed out the turtle and I let him touched and picked it up. He was so happy and he picked it up to show it to the little one. But it turnt out that the little one wasnt so friendly to animals a.k.a he got horribly terrified by it. He refused at first but the older one probably thought he was joking so he kept giving it to the little one. The poor little one was so terrified and started to cry.

when he cried, I could see the older one got in instant panic. I think he was terrified at his brother getting terrified. So he abruptly put down the turtle and started to walk his brother somewhere else. I felt so bad for the older one. I kept looking at them and I saw the older brother "babysit" his little one. He hugged him and carried him and told him that the turtle was a nice friend and it was okay. All the time till his little brother stopped crying.

I dont know why I felt touched by this sighting. But... Idk, it just hit me. It was a sweet sight. I hardly encounter boy-siblings to be nice and affectionate to each other. I mean, they usually more "violent" and just dont care (because they're boys, probably). They dont do the sentiment. Let alone carrying the other brother till they stop crying. Haha.

Kinda reminds me of myself too. I'm a firstborn of three. And this sort of thing is what I've been doing my entire life, guarding my little monkeys.

Today's productivity

I spent my saturday today with pampering myself all morning, reading books, and stranded in the wedding side of the internet.

As if, I was about to get married (and there is actually someone who wants to marry me). I looked up and read everything about wedding rings, venues (garden wedding is my goal), wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, wedding souvernirs, vendors, foods, wedding photographies and everything else.

Now that I've almost known everything. I want to.....

Nevermind.

Anger: Injustice

I think for most of the time I got angry, that anger actually came from witnessing this.

I have a big number of social medias. Most of those where I am allowed to share and write about my thoughts. Writing-based. And if you happen to follow me on any of those, you'd find me making rants about a whole lot of things.From mistreated polar bear, Arthur, to corrupt politics. I bare it all there. Explicitly.

I've always identified myself as a human rights pro. I've always identified myself as a very sensitive justice rambler. I've always identified myself being so concerned about my social surroundings.

Everytime I witness some injustice or crime or just nasty corruption or any skewed social phenomenon, I always feel like I have to do something. I have to help people, and stop the bad guys. And I wish to be able to do something about it. I cant stay shut as if nothing happens. I cant close my eyes, ears, and heart and live in my own comfortable bubble. I'm always a vocal person, very expressive. While some others find it difficult to address or chanel their feelings and thoughts, I have a full access to it. When I feel like something is bothering me, I will talk about it.

Now, injustice. Where do I begin. I live in a world that's full of it, that's to be sure. I saw it everyday, every goddamn time. Racism. The Rich vs. The Poor. Murders. Poverty. Violence. Betrayals. Riots. Corruption. Human rights violation. Animal cruelty. Illegal loggings. And many other social issues. I get emotional when it comes to one of these topics. Sometimes (and most of the times), it's a mixture of sadness and rage. Looking at all the injustice being ignored like that is none of any of us' business actually saddens me so much I feel like I'm crushed and sick inside. And so I get enraged.

I'm angry that those nasty animal-like people can get away easily. I'm angry that such poor heartbreaking stories have to happen to those innocent people. I'm angry because out of millions and more people on earth, there seems to be nobody to give a damn about it. I'm angry that people cover their ears and eyes and just keep living comfortably. And I'm angry that I cant do much about it even if I really want to.

It's unfair for good people to live a life heartbreakingly and helpless against whatever that holds them down there. How could anybody stay silent about it? How could anybody not care? Why do they not care? Why do you not care? Whatever bad things happening out there, they could happen to you in any second, imagine if that actually happens to you.

This entire place and world is so filled with bitter nasty injustice and I am enraged. I am sad. I am so sick of it.

Living with cats

So for most of you who dont know, I love cats.

And for most of you who dont know, I'm living with some right now.

I dont know when exactly this fond liking to this fluffy animal started, maybe because I have always been liking animals since I was little, so I always find cats to be humans-friendly and cute and adorable (and technically easier to find in real life anywhere).

Right now I have this male black cat named Modem. I had his mum first since my sister found her roaming around the house and she brought it home and we washed it and we thought she was cute enough to keep. Also, fun to play with. And one day, she got pregnant where she gave birth to three little cute kittens. For several months we raised them all four. But then some of them started to climbed up on our cars in the garage and made severe scratches on it. I had a hatchback and an SUV at home for daily basis (and another Mazda SUV left mostly in Jakarta), and the cats scratched my hatchback's body terribly and even when we had tried to wax it, it wouldnt completely be gone. So for that reason dad finally decided to move the two youngest to my mum's workplace/office, said they could be mum's entertainment there and her workers would take care of them too. So we had to choose, and we chose Modem (the black one) to stay with us.

(From left to right: Modem, Choki, Chiki)

Living with a cat would change you. No, really. Like these:

1. You will somewhat feel like they're your child for no particular reason.
2. That being said, you will start referring yourself as their mother/father, or them as your child.
3. You will stare at them when they sleep and have your healt melts inside because you just love them so much.
4. You will be used to them sleeping with you.
5. You will be used to them sleeping between your legs, or the inner side of your torso, or your shoulder.
6. You will find them as a very warm fluffy nice cuddling partner.
7. You will be up at times over their meowing because they want to be fed.
8. You will always still feel lazy to feed them.
9. They will always want your food.
10. You will be used to catching them doing the most random funny stuffs in your house at all time.
11. You will miss being home soon because you feel like you have something that waits you at home. You just will wanna go home asap.
12. You will inevitably have a heart-to-heart conversation with your cats and that is fine and totally normal.YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. THEY LISTEN.
13. Once I cried to my cat because I had terrible day and I missed my boyfriend and he just literally sat there in front of me listening to me and he was like talking to my heart through his eyes (and he somewhat sniffed my face too idk why)
14. A doctor appointment will no longer be something human-related for you anymore. You will start making appointments with your vet too.

So there you go, Anything I missed? There must be a lot of things that I missed but go on add yours here down below on the comment box.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Day Out: Yellow!

This is a pretty late post actually but this is upload-worthy.

So, Adit came to visit me in Bandung earlier this month for a day. And like almost the other dates we went, we were coincidentally wearing sort of matching outfits. The theme for this date is probably yellow, or lime-yellow. We never meant and planned to wear matching outfits before (never into it, not us, no), but we just happened to wear the at least similarly coloured outfits by coincidence.

It was a fun date indeed. Talked a lot bout a lot of things we missed from each other's lives when we were away. Couldnt stop holding his hand in the car though. It felt so hard to accept that we had to be apart again by the end of the day at the moment. He was/is the sweetest most adorable human being I've ever met in my own definition.

I hope...

I hope one day, I would end up with someone who takes the vow as serious as I'm going to be.

I hope one day, I would end up with someone who makes me his world.

I'm not, and never, asking for much,
But I just hope one day, I would end up with someone who truly loves me.

Anger Management Issue

I've had it for a while now. I didnt quite like it.

For most of the times this makes me tough, fierce, and strong. It's not bad to have this sometimes. The ability to express out anger. The ability to be angry. The ability to spill things out.
I'm always that woman who is easy to tell when she's mad. I'm always that woman who is outspoken. I'm always that woman who is blunt. I'm always that woman who dares. I'm always that fiery woman. I'm always that woman who is straight forward. I'm always that woman that never cries. I'm always that woman who is never afraid of bruises. And I like it. I like myself like this. I like this demon I have inside me.

But how did it start? I dont know, honestly. I just develop it by time. Maybe because I'm the first born with two younger siblings. Maybe because I was always taught to be strong. Maybe because I was always taught to not ever be weak.

In all honesty, I really dont know.

What I always know is that being expressive and an extrovert would mostly be followed by this sort of issue. It wasnt even an issue back then. I always had the symptoms ever since I was little, but I would never recall it as an issue.

And, after a while of discovering that this was a bad trait to have, I attempted to work on it. I attempted to get rid of it. I felt so good to unleash the demon at times but the aftermath was almost always regrettable. I felt so good destroying things, speeding up my car, yelling, running so fast, tearing things down, they felt so good. And they are how you are supposed to release your tense and anger, those are the way you do it. But I guess I had a bad management at that that some of the time I didnt really think it through to release it...

I hit people, I yelled at people, I drove fast past people, I destroyed things... Some of the time I felt definitely winning doing those because thats just how you normally release it, but some other times.... I regret doing those.

I accidentally pushed people away. I hurt people. And the heart wrenching pain would be that they're the people that I love. Who, ironically, love me. I hurt people who love me.

And after those I'd be swallowed up, gulped in, drowned in my own guilt. And all it took was just a 10 to 15 minutes space between the accident.

Today I think I've pushed away the person I love so much. Or, more like, two people. Added one just now. I'm so sad. I work on it every day, I try. I did. But still I need help.

A bit of everything-him.

I dont know what this is. I dont know what sort of feelings these are and I have no idea where to even start but let me begin with this,

I think about him everyday. I think about him all the time and not in a honeymoon-phase-euphoria kind of way, we're so over that phase. This is not just a fresh-one-week relationship. I think about him everyday for the last two and almost a half years. This doesnt happen any less than it did when we were just hitting a week together back then. This even happened more and more each day. I go to bed wishing he has a good day and rest over there. I go to bed thinking about him and sometimes just how nice it might be to have him next to me.

I miss him everyday. There shouldnt need any more explanation for this one. I long for his scent, voice, touch, face, sight, everything, everyday. I always want to talk to him. I want to know how his day goes. I want to know how his morning is. I want to know how work has been for him, does he stub his toe to something, what he has for lunch, what he first thinks of in the morning, everything. I want to make sure he's okay. I want to make sure life's treating him well. There is a noticable emptiness when he's not around (which is, most of the time), when he just says goodbye after I drive him back to the travel pool or the airport phonecalls before he takes off. I always miss him even before he leaves.

I drive to places and wish he is there next to me. Even crazier to admit that I sometimes drive by myself and talk as if he is there in the passenger seat. I can even tell what his responses are going to be. I can see that straight-cold-unamused-like face he's going to make like always when he listens to my stories. Now that I miss him.

Then, everytime I look at him, I feel something. This one I cant even explain. When he's around, I bet he doesnt notice but, I always stare so long at him and sprout a smile. Dont ask me about the smile because I dont even know how it gets there in the first place. I just love staring at him, studying him. His hair, his face, his (majestic) eyebrows, sharp jawlines, (sometimes-shaved) beard, eyes, his tall figure, his big hands (compared to mine), his gestures, how he moves, how he is when he's sleepy, how he talks, how he laughs, how he frowns, how he rolls his eyes, I want to notice if there's anything changed at all.

Long enough for staring, here comes another feeling, another one that I cant explain, I just feel like... I'm home. I feel safe, so safe. I feel so complete, so content. I feel happy and warm. The feeling you get as if you've been looking anywhere so long for a shelter, and then you finally find one. The feeling you get after a long exhausting run and you finally get back home. The feeling you get when you lost one very last piece of your puzzle, and you finally find it. Everytime, every damn time, he's near me, everything suddenly feels alright.

Everytime he's around I keep hearing voices in my head that pray "Please, please, dont separate us. Please dont separate us anymore". But I usually dont display it in words due to my inability to express this one (cant take more of his rolling eyes if I do). So instead, I just mostly and suddenly tighten my hand when we hold hands, followed by him asking "What, what is it?". And all I usually have left to reply is "Nothing".

Everytime I look at him, be it physically in person or pictures, I feel like "I want to take care of this person. I want to take care of him." It just comes naturally as I look at him. It just happens. I feel like I just have to and want to. I want to be there when he comes home tired, I want to make him warm tea, I want to make him breakfast, I want stay beside him through all the hardships, through ups and downs, and everything else that I'm too embarassed to write down here. I just want to take care of him so much no matter how great he is already at taking care of himself out there.

I dont know if this is too early to say but, whenever I look or think of him, everyone suddenly feels irrelevant. Everyone else out there just seems to be a waste of time that I dont want to even bother. I think this is what I mean when I tell him that nobody is in his league. I think I've finally found the right way to compose it. I finally found the words to it. Being with him, I feel so enough. So complete. So content. I feel home, the one feeling nobody else out there can offer me. I feel home that I feel like I belong to him. He is where I'm crawling back to and he is where I'm staying.

And I am so proud of him, God am I... I never got to tell him this, but I really am. I've always been. Do I have the right to? I dont know, who am I to say that, I know. But deep down here I'm always proud of him. I'm proud of who he was, who he is, what he does, what he did, what he chooses, what he chose, everything. God he is a very, very, great man. He is amazing. He is admirably intelligent, wise, patient, and loving (underneath all those straight-faces he throws me). He never fails to amaze me and make me adore him each day. I look up to him, I learn from him, and I absolutely adore him. I'm not usually the type to listen what people tell me to do, but I actually listen to him. I'm so honored to be with him. I'm so sure that he has had this a lot enough from people around him, he is so used to compliments because that's just how great he is, but... A girlfriend can still compliment the same thing right?

Still relating to the paragraph above, I never want to stop learning about him. He always keeps me wondering and I dont want to stop my wonder. We're the very same person as we were 3 or 4 years ago when we just met, but we grow up everyday. We grow up as individuals of ourselves. There are always things he quitted or stopped doing or changed, and there are always new things each day that I learn of him. All these years we've been growing up together (literally, I was a teen when we first met and now I'm in my early 20s) and I'm not planning to ever stop learning about or growing up with him. I'm not the best, but I'm so happy to have him in my life.

So what are these feelings again? What are these and why do I only feel it with him? Why him? Why these? I have so many questions and I feel so many things. I dont know where to look for answers but I think right now, I'll just keep on walking and go with it.

Tumblr Q's and A's (Part 1)

So I got this set of questions from tumblr earlier today and since nobody is asking me so I'll just answer it myself since I'm bored now.

Let's start.

1. Last kiss Yesterday, to my brother and sis
2. Last phone call This morning at 7am, to my vet
3. Last text message My address, this morning also at 7am to my vet (because she forgot where I live)
4. Last song you listened to Ed Sheeran's Afire Love
5. Last time you cried two nights ago? bc I thought my bf didnt love me
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice nope
7. Been cheated on nope but almost but cut it quick
8. Self harmed yes, cutting
9. Lost someone special my grandpa and my ex bf
10. Been depressed a lot of times bby
11. Been drunk and threw up I dont drink
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
12. had sex NOOOO
13. How many people have you had sex with this year? NOOOOONE
15. Made a new friend yEAH. I met new people everyday
17. Laughed until you cried yeah lol
18. Met someone who changed you mmmm, none i can think of rn
19. Found out who your true friends were yes :) *shout out to my highschool and mid school girls*
20. Found out someone was talking about you yea but dont care
26. What did you do for your last Birthday spent it with my bf who came a day after to visit me
27. What time did you wake up today 6am
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for MOCKINGJAY PART 2, MY THESIS TO BE FINISHED, MY BOYFRIEND TO COME AND CUDDLE ME IN
30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time this morning, I drove them to school
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life my height? lol. maybe my anger waves or my dramatic way to respond to things. And maybe my laziness
32. What are you listening to right now my laptop's fan tbh
33. When is the last time you had sex? NEVER DONE IT BEFORE
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now no one. most likely my bf
35. Most visited webpage tumblr (for entertaintment), google (for my thesis)
36. Favorite colour BLACK, SILVER, GOLD, PINK
37. Nicknames Vin, Revi, Tante, Manohara, Syahrini, Sherina, Vinda... ppl be callin me with otha ppl's name
38. Relationship Status taken for 2 years
39. Zodiac sign Libra
40. Male or female female
41. Primary school Makassar, Manado, Sydney, Makassar (I moved a lot)
42. Secondary School Darul Hikam, Bandung
43. High school/college highschool: SMAN 2 BANDUNG Uni: Telkom University
44. Eye color Brown
46. Height 162cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone mmmno
48. What do you like about yourself my eyebrows, my easy going trait, my funny takes on things, my funny angerwaves, my nose, my face generally, i like everything about myself
49. Piercings nah
50. Tattoos hell nah
51. Righty or lefty righty bby Part 2 is coming soon aight!

ED SHEERAN'S KUALA LUMPUR CONCERT AND MY SUPER SWEET BOYFRIEND

REPOSTING FROM MY TUMBLR BC I HAD NO POWER TO RETYPE IT AGAIN IVE POURED IT ALL WHOLEHEARTEDLY ON TUMBLR

MY BOYFRIEND IS AT ED SHEERAN’S CONCERT TONIGHT AND HE CHATTED ME EARLIER BUT i DIDNT REPLY BECAUSE HE SAID HIS BATTERY WAS ABOUT TO DIE. BUT THEN JUST NOW HE CALLED ME AND I WAS LIKE WHAT WHY IS HE CALLIN HES AT THE CONCERT CROWDED FUVCKIN CONCERT WITH A DYING PHONE BUT I ANSWERED ANYWAY AND HE MADE ME LISTEN TO WHATS GOING ON. AND IT TURNED OUT THAT PHOTOGRAPH WHICH IS MY FAVORITE SONG (and we always jammed up to that while in the car together or skype) WAS PLAYING AND HE MADE ME LISTEN TO IT, he knewww I COULDNT BE THERE WITH HIM TO LISTEN  TO THE SONG TOGETHER SO HE CALLED ME SO I COULD LISTEN TO OUR FAVORITE SONG TOGETHER EVENTHOUGH IM ALL THE WAY HERE IN INDONESIA AND HE’S IN MALAYSIA AND IDK MAN HES SO FUCKIN SWEET SOMETIMES IF THIS IS NOT CUTE ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN I DONT KNOW WHAT

Indonesia Fashion Week 2015

So, Indonesia Fashion Week 2015 happened a few days ago in the end of February. I came there to assist my mother who held a fashion show for her own empire and to attend all the show invitations we got. Not to mention I had a research to do related to this event that required me to do a daily observation around.

Say no more, here are some pics I got to take in no particular order

Vie by Evy Susanti for Indonesia Fashion Week 2015

After Irna Mutiara's Show

Fossil watch, ring from my boyfriend, bracelet from my bff Fitri, shoes by MKS shoes, pants by Vie

Taken forcedly by my sister who forcedly doodles my palm

front row at my mum's show. clutch by Satcas

to my boyfriend

no, no this is not going to be a romantic poetic post about a love letter to the lover.
no.

all I want to say is thank you.
for sticking around and crying along with me during my painful period times.
and not getting irritated (though you probably are/were but you kept it to yourself anyway) over my weird mood swings and quirks.
you are a gem. you are an angel. you are a saviour. you are my man.

I dont know what else to say but,

 thank you and I love you.