A bit of everything-him.

I dont know what this is. I dont know what sort of feelings these are and I have no idea where to even start but let me begin with this,

I think about him everyday. I think about him all the time and not in a honeymoon-phase-euphoria kind of way, we're so over that phase. This is not just a fresh-one-week relationship. I think about him everyday for the last two and almost a half years. This doesnt happen any less than it did when we were just hitting a week together back then. This even happened more and more each day. I go to bed wishing he has a good day and rest over there. I go to bed thinking about him and sometimes just how nice it might be to have him next to me.

I miss him everyday. There shouldnt need any more explanation for this one. I long for his scent, voice, touch, face, sight, everything, everyday. I always want to talk to him. I want to know how his day goes. I want to know how his morning is. I want to know how work has been for him, does he stub his toe to something, what he has for lunch, what he first thinks of in the morning, everything. I want to make sure he's okay. I want to make sure life's treating him well. There is a noticable emptiness when he's not around (which is, most of the time), when he just says goodbye after I drive him back to the travel pool or the airport phonecalls before he takes off. I always miss him even before he leaves.

I drive to places and wish he is there next to me. Even crazier to admit that I sometimes drive by myself and talk as if he is there in the passenger seat. I can even tell what his responses are going to be. I can see that straight-cold-unamused-like face he's going to make like always when he listens to my stories. Now that I miss him.

Then, everytime I look at him, I feel something. This one I cant even explain. When he's around, I bet he doesnt notice but, I always stare so long at him and sprout a smile. Dont ask me about the smile because I dont even know how it gets there in the first place. I just love staring at him, studying him. His hair, his face, his (majestic) eyebrows, sharp jawlines, (sometimes-shaved) beard, eyes, his tall figure, his big hands (compared to mine), his gestures, how he moves, how he is when he's sleepy, how he talks, how he laughs, how he frowns, how he rolls his eyes, I want to notice if there's anything changed at all.

Long enough for staring, here comes another feeling, another one that I cant explain, I just feel like... I'm home. I feel safe, so safe. I feel so complete, so content. I feel happy and warm. The feeling you get as if you've been looking anywhere so long for a shelter, and then you finally find one. The feeling you get after a long exhausting run and you finally get back home. The feeling you get when you lost one very last piece of your puzzle, and you finally find it. Everytime, every damn time, he's near me, everything suddenly feels alright.

Everytime he's around I keep hearing voices in my head that pray "Please, please, dont separate us. Please dont separate us anymore". But I usually dont display it in words due to my inability to express this one (cant take more of his rolling eyes if I do). So instead, I just mostly and suddenly tighten my hand when we hold hands, followed by him asking "What, what is it?". And all I usually have left to reply is "Nothing".

Everytime I look at him, be it physically in person or pictures, I feel like "I want to take care of this person. I want to take care of him." It just comes naturally as I look at him. It just happens. I feel like I just have to and want to. I want to be there when he comes home tired, I want to make him warm tea, I want to make him breakfast, I want stay beside him through all the hardships, through ups and downs, and everything else that I'm too embarassed to write down here. I just want to take care of him so much no matter how great he is already at taking care of himself out there.

I dont know if this is too early to say but, whenever I look or think of him, everyone suddenly feels irrelevant. Everyone else out there just seems to be a waste of time that I dont want to even bother. I think this is what I mean when I tell him that nobody is in his league. I think I've finally found the right way to compose it. I finally found the words to it. Being with him, I feel so enough. So complete. So content. I feel home, the one feeling nobody else out there can offer me. I feel home that I feel like I belong to him. He is where I'm crawling back to and he is where I'm staying.

And I am so proud of him, God am I... I never got to tell him this, but I really am. I've always been. Do I have the right to? I dont know, who am I to say that, I know. But deep down here I'm always proud of him. I'm proud of who he was, who he is, what he does, what he did, what he chooses, what he chose, everything. God he is a very, very, great man. He is amazing. He is admirably intelligent, wise, patient, and loving (underneath all those straight-faces he throws me). He never fails to amaze me and make me adore him each day. I look up to him, I learn from him, and I absolutely adore him. I'm not usually the type to listen what people tell me to do, but I actually listen to him. I'm so honored to be with him. I'm so sure that he has had this a lot enough from people around him, he is so used to compliments because that's just how great he is, but... A girlfriend can still compliment the same thing right?

Still relating to the paragraph above, I never want to stop learning about him. He always keeps me wondering and I dont want to stop my wonder. We're the very same person as we were 3 or 4 years ago when we just met, but we grow up everyday. We grow up as individuals of ourselves. There are always things he quitted or stopped doing or changed, and there are always new things each day that I learn of him. All these years we've been growing up together (literally, I was a teen when we first met and now I'm in my early 20s) and I'm not planning to ever stop learning about or growing up with him. I'm not the best, but I'm so happy to have him in my life.

So what are these feelings again? What are these and why do I only feel it with him? Why him? Why these? I have so many questions and I feel so many things. I dont know where to look for answers but I think right now, I'll just keep on walking and go with it.