Today's productivity

I spent my saturday today with pampering myself all morning, reading books, and stranded in the wedding side of the internet.

As if, I was about to get married (and there is actually someone who wants to marry me). I looked up and read everything about wedding rings, venues (garden wedding is my goal), wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, wedding souvernirs, vendors, foods, wedding photographies and everything else.

Now that I've almost known everything. I want to.....

Nevermind.

Anger: Injustice

I think for most of the time I got angry, that anger actually came from witnessing this.

I have a big number of social medias. Most of those where I am allowed to share and write about my thoughts. Writing-based. And if you happen to follow me on any of those, you'd find me making rants about a whole lot of things.From mistreated polar bear, Arthur, to corrupt politics. I bare it all there. Explicitly.

I've always identified myself as a human rights pro. I've always identified myself as a very sensitive justice rambler. I've always identified myself being so concerned about my social surroundings.

Everytime I witness some injustice or crime or just nasty corruption or any skewed social phenomenon, I always feel like I have to do something. I have to help people, and stop the bad guys. And I wish to be able to do something about it. I cant stay shut as if nothing happens. I cant close my eyes, ears, and heart and live in my own comfortable bubble. I'm always a vocal person, very expressive. While some others find it difficult to address or chanel their feelings and thoughts, I have a full access to it. When I feel like something is bothering me, I will talk about it.

Now, injustice. Where do I begin. I live in a world that's full of it, that's to be sure. I saw it everyday, every goddamn time. Racism. The Rich vs. The Poor. Murders. Poverty. Violence. Betrayals. Riots. Corruption. Human rights violation. Animal cruelty. Illegal loggings. And many other social issues. I get emotional when it comes to one of these topics. Sometimes (and most of the times), it's a mixture of sadness and rage. Looking at all the injustice being ignored like that is none of any of us' business actually saddens me so much I feel like I'm crushed and sick inside. And so I get enraged.

I'm angry that those nasty animal-like people can get away easily. I'm angry that such poor heartbreaking stories have to happen to those innocent people. I'm angry because out of millions and more people on earth, there seems to be nobody to give a damn about it. I'm angry that people cover their ears and eyes and just keep living comfortably. And I'm angry that I cant do much about it even if I really want to.

It's unfair for good people to live a life heartbreakingly and helpless against whatever that holds them down there. How could anybody stay silent about it? How could anybody not care? Why do they not care? Why do you not care? Whatever bad things happening out there, they could happen to you in any second, imagine if that actually happens to you.

This entire place and world is so filled with bitter nasty injustice and I am enraged. I am sad. I am so sick of it.

Living with cats

So for most of you who dont know, I love cats.

And for most of you who dont know, I'm living with some right now.

I dont know when exactly this fond liking to this fluffy animal started, maybe because I have always been liking animals since I was little, so I always find cats to be humans-friendly and cute and adorable (and technically easier to find in real life anywhere).

Right now I have this male black cat named Modem. I had his mum first since my sister found her roaming around the house and she brought it home and we washed it and we thought she was cute enough to keep. Also, fun to play with. And one day, she got pregnant where she gave birth to three little cute kittens. For several months we raised them all four. But then some of them started to climbed up on our cars in the garage and made severe scratches on it. I had a hatchback and an SUV at home for daily basis (and another Mazda SUV left mostly in Jakarta), and the cats scratched my hatchback's body terribly and even when we had tried to wax it, it wouldnt completely be gone. So for that reason dad finally decided to move the two youngest to my mum's workplace/office, said they could be mum's entertainment there and her workers would take care of them too. So we had to choose, and we chose Modem (the black one) to stay with us.

(From left to right: Modem, Choki, Chiki)

Living with a cat would change you. No, really. Like these:

1. You will somewhat feel like they're your child for no particular reason.
2. That being said, you will start referring yourself as their mother/father, or them as your child.
3. You will stare at them when they sleep and have your healt melts inside because you just love them so much.
4. You will be used to them sleeping with you.
5. You will be used to them sleeping between your legs, or the inner side of your torso, or your shoulder.
6. You will find them as a very warm fluffy nice cuddling partner.
7. You will be up at times over their meowing because they want to be fed.
8. You will always still feel lazy to feed them.
9. They will always want your food.
10. You will be used to catching them doing the most random funny stuffs in your house at all time.
11. You will miss being home soon because you feel like you have something that waits you at home. You just will wanna go home asap.
12. You will inevitably have a heart-to-heart conversation with your cats and that is fine and totally normal.YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. THEY LISTEN.
13. Once I cried to my cat because I had terrible day and I missed my boyfriend and he just literally sat there in front of me listening to me and he was like talking to my heart through his eyes (and he somewhat sniffed my face too idk why)
14. A doctor appointment will no longer be something human-related for you anymore. You will start making appointments with your vet too.

So there you go, Anything I missed? There must be a lot of things that I missed but go on add yours here down below on the comment box.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Day Out: Yellow!

This is a pretty late post actually but this is upload-worthy.

So, Adit came to visit me in Bandung earlier this month for a day. And like almost the other dates we went, we were coincidentally wearing sort of matching outfits. The theme for this date is probably yellow, or lime-yellow. We never meant and planned to wear matching outfits before (never into it, not us, no), but we just happened to wear the at least similarly coloured outfits by coincidence.

It was a fun date indeed. Talked a lot bout a lot of things we missed from each other's lives when we were away. Couldnt stop holding his hand in the car though. It felt so hard to accept that we had to be apart again by the end of the day at the moment. He was/is the sweetest most adorable human being I've ever met in my own definition.

I hope...

I hope one day, I would end up with someone who takes the vow as serious as I'm going to be.

I hope one day, I would end up with someone who makes me his world.

I'm not, and never, asking for much,
But I just hope one day, I would end up with someone who truly loves me.

Anger Management Issue

I've had it for a while now. I didnt quite like it.

For most of the times this makes me tough, fierce, and strong. It's not bad to have this sometimes. The ability to express out anger. The ability to be angry. The ability to spill things out.
I'm always that woman who is easy to tell when she's mad. I'm always that woman who is outspoken. I'm always that woman who is blunt. I'm always that woman who dares. I'm always that fiery woman. I'm always that woman who is straight forward. I'm always that woman that never cries. I'm always that woman who is never afraid of bruises. And I like it. I like myself like this. I like this demon I have inside me.

But how did it start? I dont know, honestly. I just develop it by time. Maybe because I'm the first born with two younger siblings. Maybe because I was always taught to be strong. Maybe because I was always taught to not ever be weak.

In all honesty, I really dont know.

What I always know is that being expressive and an extrovert would mostly be followed by this sort of issue. It wasnt even an issue back then. I always had the symptoms ever since I was little, but I would never recall it as an issue.

And, after a while of discovering that this was a bad trait to have, I attempted to work on it. I attempted to get rid of it. I felt so good to unleash the demon at times but the aftermath was almost always regrettable. I felt so good destroying things, speeding up my car, yelling, running so fast, tearing things down, they felt so good. And they are how you are supposed to release your tense and anger, those are the way you do it. But I guess I had a bad management at that that some of the time I didnt really think it through to release it...

I hit people, I yelled at people, I drove fast past people, I destroyed things... Some of the time I felt definitely winning doing those because thats just how you normally release it, but some other times.... I regret doing those.

I accidentally pushed people away. I hurt people. And the heart wrenching pain would be that they're the people that I love. Who, ironically, love me. I hurt people who love me.

And after those I'd be swallowed up, gulped in, drowned in my own guilt. And all it took was just a 10 to 15 minutes space between the accident.

Today I think I've pushed away the person I love so much. Or, more like, two people. Added one just now. I'm so sad. I work on it every day, I try. I did. But still I need help.

A bit of everything-him.

I dont know what this is. I dont know what sort of feelings these are and I have no idea where to even start but let me begin with this,

I think about him everyday. I think about him all the time and not in a honeymoon-phase-euphoria kind of way, we're so over that phase. This is not just a fresh-one-week relationship. I think about him everyday for the last two and almost a half years. This doesnt happen any less than it did when we were just hitting a week together back then. This even happened more and more each day. I go to bed wishing he has a good day and rest over there. I go to bed thinking about him and sometimes just how nice it might be to have him next to me.

I miss him everyday. There shouldnt need any more explanation for this one. I long for his scent, voice, touch, face, sight, everything, everyday. I always want to talk to him. I want to know how his day goes. I want to know how his morning is. I want to know how work has been for him, does he stub his toe to something, what he has for lunch, what he first thinks of in the morning, everything. I want to make sure he's okay. I want to make sure life's treating him well. There is a noticable emptiness when he's not around (which is, most of the time), when he just says goodbye after I drive him back to the travel pool or the airport phonecalls before he takes off. I always miss him even before he leaves.

I drive to places and wish he is there next to me. Even crazier to admit that I sometimes drive by myself and talk as if he is there in the passenger seat. I can even tell what his responses are going to be. I can see that straight-cold-unamused-like face he's going to make like always when he listens to my stories. Now that I miss him.

Then, everytime I look at him, I feel something. This one I cant even explain. When he's around, I bet he doesnt notice but, I always stare so long at him and sprout a smile. Dont ask me about the smile because I dont even know how it gets there in the first place. I just love staring at him, studying him. His hair, his face, his (majestic) eyebrows, sharp jawlines, (sometimes-shaved) beard, eyes, his tall figure, his big hands (compared to mine), his gestures, how he moves, how he is when he's sleepy, how he talks, how he laughs, how he frowns, how he rolls his eyes, I want to notice if there's anything changed at all.

Long enough for staring, here comes another feeling, another one that I cant explain, I just feel like... I'm home. I feel safe, so safe. I feel so complete, so content. I feel happy and warm. The feeling you get as if you've been looking anywhere so long for a shelter, and then you finally find one. The feeling you get after a long exhausting run and you finally get back home. The feeling you get when you lost one very last piece of your puzzle, and you finally find it. Everytime, every damn time, he's near me, everything suddenly feels alright.

Everytime he's around I keep hearing voices in my head that pray "Please, please, dont separate us. Please dont separate us anymore". But I usually dont display it in words due to my inability to express this one (cant take more of his rolling eyes if I do). So instead, I just mostly and suddenly tighten my hand when we hold hands, followed by him asking "What, what is it?". And all I usually have left to reply is "Nothing".

Everytime I look at him, be it physically in person or pictures, I feel like "I want to take care of this person. I want to take care of him." It just comes naturally as I look at him. It just happens. I feel like I just have to and want to. I want to be there when he comes home tired, I want to make him warm tea, I want to make him breakfast, I want stay beside him through all the hardships, through ups and downs, and everything else that I'm too embarassed to write down here. I just want to take care of him so much no matter how great he is already at taking care of himself out there.

I dont know if this is too early to say but, whenever I look or think of him, everyone suddenly feels irrelevant. Everyone else out there just seems to be a waste of time that I dont want to even bother. I think this is what I mean when I tell him that nobody is in his league. I think I've finally found the right way to compose it. I finally found the words to it. Being with him, I feel so enough. So complete. So content. I feel home, the one feeling nobody else out there can offer me. I feel home that I feel like I belong to him. He is where I'm crawling back to and he is where I'm staying.

And I am so proud of him, God am I... I never got to tell him this, but I really am. I've always been. Do I have the right to? I dont know, who am I to say that, I know. But deep down here I'm always proud of him. I'm proud of who he was, who he is, what he does, what he did, what he chooses, what he chose, everything. God he is a very, very, great man. He is amazing. He is admirably intelligent, wise, patient, and loving (underneath all those straight-faces he throws me). He never fails to amaze me and make me adore him each day. I look up to him, I learn from him, and I absolutely adore him. I'm not usually the type to listen what people tell me to do, but I actually listen to him. I'm so honored to be with him. I'm so sure that he has had this a lot enough from people around him, he is so used to compliments because that's just how great he is, but... A girlfriend can still compliment the same thing right?

Still relating to the paragraph above, I never want to stop learning about him. He always keeps me wondering and I dont want to stop my wonder. We're the very same person as we were 3 or 4 years ago when we just met, but we grow up everyday. We grow up as individuals of ourselves. There are always things he quitted or stopped doing or changed, and there are always new things each day that I learn of him. All these years we've been growing up together (literally, I was a teen when we first met and now I'm in my early 20s) and I'm not planning to ever stop learning about or growing up with him. I'm not the best, but I'm so happy to have him in my life.

So what are these feelings again? What are these and why do I only feel it with him? Why him? Why these? I have so many questions and I feel so many things. I dont know where to look for answers but I think right now, I'll just keep on walking and go with it.